Over But Not Over

When I think it's over. Not until.

I know by heart  before my schooling age that I am adopted. I don't look like my cousins, my tito's and tita's even my adoptive parents and siblings. I know early on I am not one of them. I am not from this bloodline. They didn't let me feel I am different and that's I am thankful.

At the start of my teen (13), Mama and Tita told me I am adopted. I am not shocked. No typical walk out, over crying as we typically seen in movies. When I was growing, i found an adoption letter from my tita's pile of documents, so when they told me I am adopted, the letter confirms that it's me.

At my 15, someone introduced me the concept of forgiveness and acceptance of Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior and to have eternal life in heaven, I had a real sure deal struggle issue of forgiveness. Forgiveness towards my birth mother. First time I revealed myself, my hurt and feeling of abandonment. She explained to me that I should be thankful because I was handed to good persons and I have at least better life. So, solved with that. Reason of handling me to stranger.

My 19th birthday, one friend told me, that one of our friend told her that I am "possessive". This person to whom I told my story the 1st time? We became friends. Confidante. Seems like my maturity was stretched? I was 19 then but work, family, lovelife and personal issues were entrusted in confidence and that's I am thankful and blessed. Who am i in the first place?

Not until I was 22 then, working already, and I don't really understand she suddenly don't want to talk to me! She literally doesn't want to see me. What happen to those almost thrice a week we were always together (serious) talks? Before she left abroad, despedida party, through game, where she has to describe names and she picked my name! That's where I found out that during those time, she observed that I tend to look at her as "mother" image and that she doesn't want. I was shocked she has that feeling. She never talked to me about that. She just dropped me. No explanation.

In the very first place I don't look that to my friends. They can never be. I treated my friends (mostly older than me) as sisters. Siblings. I grew up without sister around so when I had older friends, it comforts me.

My friend perception that I am looking to her as my "mother" traumatized me. I became so sensitive in building close friendship, especially to those older than me. I don't want them to feel that I am looking that to them then leave me again. "Leave again". "Abandon" again. (Not again).

From then on the Lord still brought and I still gained close friends older than me and I treasured that and blessed by their lives and again, confidence. Seems like I'm over with the issue! Congratulations to me.

Not until one friend told me that I tend to be "clingy" to this new found friend. I told her that I know and I am aware of my tendency and I already know how to do with it. Attach and detach. That's always my formula and it hurts me. Really hurt me but that's the only thing I know to resolved it.

Why I always have this fear of being attach to dear friends?
Why always my solution is detach and accept that all people getting closer to me will leave me?

Going back to my roots, because even my birth mother abandon me so why others would stay with me?

That thought and the feelings keeps on coming back and it hurts me so much. I don't like the feeling.

Many (i assume) will still come to my life if this issue will not be resolved, the hurt will just keep on coming back and will just be a cycle.

Praised be to God, He promised that He will not leave us nor forsake us. I have a Father in heaven that will stay with me, will never leave me.

Hebrews 13:5

...for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.

Over But Not Over

When I think it's over. Not until.

I know by heart  before my schooling age that I am adopted. I don't look like my cousins, my tito's and tita's even my adoptive parents and siblings. I know early on I am not one of them. I am not from this bloodline. They didn't let me feel I am different and that's I am thankful.

At the start of my teen (13), Mama and Tita told me I am adopted. I am not shocked. No typical walk out, over crying as we typically seen in movies. When I was growing, i found an adoption letter from my tita's pile of documents, so when they told me I am adopted, the letter confirms that it's me.

At my 15, someone introduced me the concept of forgiveness and acceptance of Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior and to have eternal life in heaven, I had a real sure deal struggle issue of forgiveness. Forgiveness towards my birth mother. First time I revealed myself, my hurt and feeling of abandonment. She explained to me that I should be thankful because I was handed to good persons and I have at least better life. So, solved with that. Reason of handling me to stranger.

My 19th birthday, one friend told me, that one of our friend told her that I am "possessive". This person to whom I told my story the 1st time? We became friends. Confidante. Seems like my maturity was stretched? I was 19 then but work, family, lovelife and personal issues were entrusted in confidence and that's I am thankful and blessed. Who am i in the first place?

Not until I was 22 then, working already, and I don't really understand she suddenly don't want to talk to me! She literally doesn't want to see me. What happen to those almost thrice a week we were always together (serious) talks? Before she left abroad, despedida party, through game, where she has to describe names and she picked my name! That's where I found out that during those time, she observed that I tend to look at her as "mother" image and that she doesn't want. I was shocked she has that feeling. She never talked to me about that. She just dropped me. No explanation.

In the very first place I don't look that to my friends. They can never be. I treated my friends (mostly older than me) as sisters. Siblings. I grew up without sister around so when I had older friends, it comforts me.

My friend perception that I am looking to her as my "mother" traumatized me. I became so sensitive in building close friendship, especially to those older than me. I don't want them to feel that I am looking that to them then leave me again. "Leave again". "Abandon" again. (Not again).

From then on the Lord still brought and I still gained close friends older than me and I treasured that and blessed by their lives and again, confidence. Seems like I'm over with the issue! Congratulations to me.

Not until one friend told me that I tend to be "clingy" to this new found friend. I told her that I know and I am aware of my tendency and I already know how to do with it. Attach and detach. That's always my formula and it hurts me. Really hurt me but that's the only thing I know to resolved it.

Why I always have this fear of being attach to dear friends?
Why always my solution is detach and accept that all people getting closer to me will leave me?

Going back to my roots, because even my birth mother abandon me so why others would stay with me?

That thought and the feelings keeps on coming back and it hurts me so much. I don't like the feeling.

Many (i assume) will still come to my life if this issue will not be resolved, the hurt will just keep on coming back and will just be a cycle.

Praised be to God, He promised that He will not leave us nor forsake us. I have a Father in heaven that will stay with me, will never leave me.

Hebrews 13:5

...for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.